77 minutes
USA
3 stars out of 5
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"Chopping Mall" is a bit of a misnomer for a movie where the killers are robots who neutralize their victims with lasers and don't actually touch them at any point. But it's in keeping with the incredibly goofy spirit of the film that it should have a terrible pun for a name.
This is one of those movies that are impossible to take seriously and it feels like everybody involved knew that- and what a great way that is to make a movie, just have everybody having a good time. It really reflects onscreen that all the actors were in on the joke, especially Barbara Crampton, who dies fairly early but certainly lives it up beforehand. The film is about a shopping mall that introduces three bulky, awkward-looking robots who are supposed to be state-of-the-art anti-theft machines, who will scan the I.D. card of anybody allowed to be in the mall and summarily deal with anybody who isn't. Naturally, a sinister lightning storm causes these robots to go haywire and hunt down people who otherwise wouldn't be targeted, and naturally, those somebodies happen to be a group of sex-crazed young adults. This is definitely a "have sex and you die" type of slasher, only electrocution is substituted for slashing.
As silly as this all is, it actually works really well as a dystopian movie. It opens with a crowd looking on as the crime-stopping abilities of the robots are demonstrated, and none of them question their potential for immense harm. The open faces unflinchingly taking in the latest display of capital's ability to determine who it will allow to live and who is an "outsider" are subtly cruel, as is the fact that everyone in the mall would necessarily have to be in on this, like animals lured into their cages with food. The idea of these robots really doesn't feel far off or futuristic at all these days- I've personally been in Walmarts where they're using those robots that roll around and do whatever it is they do, look at pricetags or whatever, and although I'm not afraid of getting cut in half with a laser beam any time soon, the insidious horrors of facial recognition are already all around us. We think that we're free to shop where we want, but it's an illusion. We're afforded the appearance of freedom in exchange for being monitored in every aspect of life. We fork over privacy to be allowed to consume.
But hey, Angus Scrimm is in this! It really isn't as blatantly anarchic as I've interpreted it as being- the tongue-in-cheek satire of surveillance is definitely an intended message here, but it doesn't go too deep; mostly we're just here to watch teens fight robots and take their shirts off. The action of Chopping Mall feels satisfying, it's peppered throughout in just the right places so that you're neither constantly waiting for something to happen nor being bombarded with gore so much that you wish it would stop. There's actually not a whole lot of gore to be seen, it's sort of a diversion of the 80s trend of rubbery guts and goopy blood in that sense, and maybe that's why it isn't better known- it's different when it's robots doing the chopping. It's more sterile. There is a pretty great head-explosion scene, but when the main method of death is shooting people with lasers until they catch on fire, there's less of a personal aspect.
And the guy in the restaurant who says "Waitress, more butter!" cracks me up. Who just asks for more butter? What restaurant will just bring butter to your table and slather it on your food? Was he just eating raw butter? What restaurant will bring you sticks of raw butter????